Raising the Bar 2

I just realized I hadn't updated on what actually I wrote for the raising the bar blog at church - I wanted to share this with everyone - and I want you to know that everything I blogged about {below} has progressed, for the better - leaps and bounds : )

I called it: Blame it on the hormones.....
Middle school is an awkward and crucial time for everyone…. Girls are taller than boys and everyone is a bit snarky: that's right – blame it on the hormones. It's the time when the easiest way to not let people see who you really are is to focus your attention on someone else.
I know this post isn't supposed to be a life story or synopsis of my life – but it is the starting block of the next and oldest 'bar' in my life that needs to be raised….
In 7^th and 8^th grade I transferred to the public Montessori school in my hometown with my childhood best friend, Britt. We were connected at the hip. Class size: 8 – yup, 8. Then, after 7^th grade – her family moved to Kansas – I returned back to that Montessori classroom without her. This should have gone just fine, until a boy in the class decided to make me be the center of attention in the most hurtful way…. "Did your mom ever tell you how ugly you are?" "If you ever die from your zits – I guess then I would come to your funeral – to laugh!" {cough cough} "ugly" Day in, day out until my tears became too apparent for my mom to resist inquiring. BIG mistake…. You know telling the teacher only makes things worse….
Jumping forward now a bit: August 25^th, 2010 – the initial Women of Hope "raising the bar" night. I felt really honored to be there. When Naty challenged us to think about/pray about how we can 'raise the bar' next, I started a laundry list of items that I could and should work on. But none of them really resonated well for THE next one. So I continued to listen to her talk, I made my announcement about Panera bread, chatted with some amazing women and headed out to my car – knowing I have a lot to pray about for what should be next, thinking about each item on my list. Then, about 5 miles from home, I reached up to scratch the newest, reddest, bumpiest addition to my face. And it hit me….
Over the years I have tried everything: the strongest prescription medication from the dermatologist, topical, oral and medicinal creams, washes, 'acne fighting' systems, full-body detoxes, gluten free, wheat free, dairy free, and even egg free diets, to no avail.
All of this was supposed to cure my acne-prone skin: but really I did this to 'cure' my self esteem. I lost most of the self esteem I did have when I was in 8^th grade, gaining a few minuscule pieces back, up until I met my husband. He was only the 2^nd person I ever told about what happened in 8^th grade – giving him part of the burden that neither of us realized was so big.
After realizing what I should do next to 'raise the bar' of course some "excuses" came to mind….. "Well – even if I REALLY give this one over to God this time, it doesn't mean He will fix it – because it might really be a wheat/gluten allergy and I just need to be much more strict on my diet". Instantly I KNEW this was an attack on my thoughts to make me under estimate God's awesome power.
Please know – I do trust that God CAN heal, He CAN cure – not just skin, but what lies deep within. He's done this in me before, and He WILL do it again. Because He is THAT good.
BUT – that doesn't mean I don't doubt – so that is prayer request numero uno. Fully, truly and whole-heartedly believe.
But what really do I need? It isn't going to change me to have beautifully clear skin. It is the internal self confidence make-over that I need. I need to believe that I am worth talking to and worthy of being called a friend by others – that people don't just pity me.
The evening at Hope and my experiences that followed raised questions for me, and I am attempting to sort through them. For example – I struggle with the issue of whether or not to wear makeup. I have been told by leaders, friends and family alike that we {women} "shouldn't need to ever wear make-up". You see, Dan {my husband} and I are wedding photographers. Since we work from home, I hardly ever wear makeup unless we go to a client meeting, photo-shoot or wedding day event. Is that wrong? I guess I feel as though NOT wearing makeup can look rather unprofessional – so maybe makeup should just be for meetings, weddings and special events? If so – is that wrong? Is it really that bad that wearing makeup makes me feel 'prettier' and more professional around clients? I guess any answers, thoughts, prayers would be REALLY welcome. {Especially verses that others have found helpful in this/or any similar situation}
So what's my plan then? What is my next step in raising this deep-seated, hurtful part of my past to a new level?

Step one: Prayer. I guess initially I wasn't quite sure the 'steps' I should take to work on this – so prayer is usually a pretty good first step : ) There was one that I was really thankful to see God answering right away. I wrote this entire blog post the same night of our women's meeting – up until 'Step one'. Since then I have just tried to do my best to consciously pray about the thoughts that I have of myself going into social settings: primarily client meetings. Right now we are in the middle of booking season for 2011 – so we have at least 2 potential client meetings a week. This past week it has been great to see God answer prayer in reassuring me that who I am is who He made me to be – and that has given me SO much more confidence going into meetings and being at weddings.
Step two: Makeup? Yes – this one really got to me. Last week after the meeting as I was crying over writing this post I was really struggling with the notion: "to wear, or not to wear – that is the question!" Then, the next day I met with the always lovely Kelsey A and I was able to share all this with her. Being as amazing as she is, she made the wonderful point of: are you wearing the make up – or is it wearing you? Meaning, is it all about the make up? Or is it a tool that I use to help present myself in a way that is professional – as she stated, like wearing nice{r} clothes. I certainly wouldn't wear sweatpants to a client meeting! Oh Kelsey – I am so thankful God brought us together!
Step three: The women's blog. So – how does this fit into my plan of raising the bar? I have just begun to tackle the new use of prayer in this area and I have come to a place of having a healthy relationship with makeup; but believe me – I am certainly still a work in progress with step one! What do I 'need' out of the blog? I would love any feedback from anyone who has walked through the process of dealing with 'perpetually' bad skin and/or self-confidence. One way that I would love to see this blog utilized is not only a place to pray for each other – but a place where we can connect with women who have walked similar paths. I want to talk to YOU {common} – you know who you are ; ) . Maybe you are in the same place I am now – or maybe you were there ten years ago! I just really love connecting with women and I think that this would be a great opportunity to find new ways to grow.
Thank you for your prayers and for reading this insanely long post…. If we ever meet – you'll realize that can translate into talking for me too : ) But that's a story for another day! ; )